486 replies to this topic

[Stumpedos]

I thought we could get a joke's thread going on in here. I'll start off with a couple of cheeky ones.... Add jokes everyone!

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[Stumpedos]

------------------------------------------------------------
Cardiologist's Funeral
------------------------------------------------------------
One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his
funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup
of a heart made up of red flowers. When the pastor finished
with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the
heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of
laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to
him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied...
"I'm a gynecologist."

[Stumpedos]

------------------------------------------------------------
Fairy Godmother
------------------------------------------------------------
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated
their 60th birthdays together. During the celebration a fairy
godmother appeared and said that because they had been such
a loving couple all these years she would give them each one
wish. Being the faithful, loving wife for all these years,
naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to
have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to
travel around the world. The fairy godmother waived her wand
and poof... she had two tickets in her hand.

Next it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured
him he would have any wish he wanted. All he needed to do was
ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, then said,
"Well, honestly, I would love to have a woman 30 years younger
than me." The fairy godmother picked up her wand, and boom!
He was 90.

[Baltic Gal]

I posted these on another thread, but I'll post them again here:

Hitchhiking

Two Latvian hitchhikers are picked up by an Estonian driver. They ask the driver, "Is Tallinn far?"
"Oh, no," the driver replies. The Latvians hop in.
After an hour of driving the Latvians repeat the question. "Is Tallinn far?"
"It is now," says the driver.

[Baltic Gal]

The Latvian and the Genie

A Latvian is walking on the beach and finds a bottle. He cleans the sand off of it, and opens it. A genie appears and grants him one wish.
The genie reminds him to think carefully, because the caveat is that whatever he wishes for will be granted to his neighbor twofold.
Like most good Latvians, this one isn't fond of his neighbor.
He thinks for a moment; his face brightens. He smiles at the genie and says, "Beat me half to death."

[Veca]

All the jokes I know would have to be posted in the locked area. Even then, I'd probably get into trouble...

But I do enjoy the jokes posted here....thanks for a good laugh!!

[Dark Knight]

Great idea Stumpedos! Here's my first contribution:

Picture this: it's the eighteenth century. A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices his customer has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch. The bartender says: "Milord all the ale is free if you tell me how so much bad luck befell you."

"Well," the guy says, "I lost my leg in a shark feeding frenzy off the Madagascar Coast."

"Amazing!" Replies the bar tender.

"I lost my hand, after defending a ladies' honor in a duel in Barcelona." Continues the customer.

"What about the eye? How did you lose it?"

"I lost it when a seagull crapped on it."

"Huh? How's that possible?" inquired the friendly host.

"I had only had the hook for week."

[Stumpedos]

DINNER CONVERSATION

Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: Would she use my golf clubs?
Man: No, she's left-handed.
Woman: - - - silence - - -
Man: Sh*t...

[Veca]

Oh, that is so good Stumpedos.....that I liked a lot!!!

[DropThePuck]

From an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas ...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest, and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3 year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can not walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks mak lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire deptartment in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

[Veca]

A woman calls her mother: "I just found out after 10 years of marriage that I have a husband with a drinking problem".

Mother: "When did you find this out?"

Woman: "Yesterday."

Mother: "What happened?"

Woman: "He came home sober."

[DropThePuck]

First, some of you will probably need these definitions (hopefully the Google reference I found is correct):

Nisei: second-generation Japanese, e.g., the first generation born in the U.S.
Nihonjin: Japanese person in Japan
Hakujin: white person

And I verified with my Japanese friends that the translations in the joke are correct. (One of them had even tricked their grandmother into saying them ... amusing the kids to no end.)

Now the joke:

Did you hear about the Nihonjin guy who was working for this Hakujin guy in Los Angeles who would constantly put him down?  All the Nihonjin guy would do when he was insulted, would be to bow and say, "This morning, every morning."

Again, a put down, and again, "This morning, every morning."

This went on week after week and a Nisei guy, who was watching, got sick and tired of it, went to the Nihonjin guy, and berated him, saying, "That Hakujin guy is insulting you, and all you do is bow and say, 'This morning, every morning.'  Why don't don't you talk back?"

The Nihonjin guy said, "I am talking back."

The Nisei asked incredulously, "You're talking back?  Where do you get that?"

The Nihonjin said, "I'm talking American, but I'm thinking Japanese."

The Nisei asks, "What do you mean by that?"

The Nihonjin says, "How do you say 'This morning' in Japanese?

The Nisei thought, and finally answered, "Kessa"

Then the Nihonjin asked, "How do you say 'Every morning' in Japanese?"

The Nisei answered, "Mai assa"

The Nihonjin answered, "Well?"

[Dark Knight]

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

[Veca]

That is so naughty but funny.....

Next I'll tell you all the traveling salesmen jokes I can remember......

[Stumpedos]

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

[Stumpedos]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

[Veca]

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't
want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that
was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon .

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said,
"This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card
stuck to her ass that said,

" FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU

[Baltic Gal]

From a cousin of mine in Oh! Canada:

Just a weeeee bit

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility
to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children that were
beautiful beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry
one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to
the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly
notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls. So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was
horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that
you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

[Stumpedos]

[DropThePuck]

Does Viagra Suppress The Appetite?

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. Naw, still not hungry."

Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[Dark Knight]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[swagdaddy]

For my fellow Dark Beer lovers.....

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all
of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller'
orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much
to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you
order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink
beer, than neither will I."

[Francaise]

Words Of Wisdom

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

[Veca]

I sure needed a good laugh this evening and you guys came through!! Some of the best jokes I've heard...couldn't stop laughing!!

[Barmy Army]

That list was fabulous Francaise